Traveled Roads

Who am I?
I ask myself
As if I desire the answer.
Diving deeper
I only discover more questions
More darkness
More struggle
The knots are tighter
The air is thicker
I can hear voices
But can find no faces
I am alone
Perhaps this is how it's done?
If you want to find answers
There is only one
         TRUE
           GUIDE
And I know this.
Which is why the daily dose of temptations
Baffles me at times
How is it that I am not stronger?
I seek
Yet I choose wrong---Sometimes...
Is that it?
Is that the teacher?
Pain.
That cannot be the only route.
Although, it is the road I know best.
I've walked it
Driven on it
Fuck, I've crawled on my hands and knees
Begging to Jesus on Pain's Road.
It is my companion
And maybe that is the problem
This is a solo journey.
I've gotten so used to having
Pain
I don't know any other way.

And perhaps that is the point.

Re-routing.
My internal GPS needs re-routed.
Pain's Road is a cul de sac.
Life's Road leads somewhere

So, who am I?
I guess I'm someone who desires more
Knows there's more...

But how?
Where?
Let the journey begin...
Destination: Unknown

...RE-ROUTING...



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Sun Chaser

Run, run, run
Away
What do you have
That could make me stay?
Could you offer up something
I've never seen?
Could you be the water
That washes
Finally making me clean?
Cause my past is dirty
And colored with desire
Hands on flesh
Palms on Fire
Breath sometimes comes baited.
What's the question
You really want to ask?
Don't be afraid.
Fear makes my opinion plummet
Take a chance
Win or lose
Learn from it.
So you ready to run?
Not so much
To far away
Sun Chaser
Can't make me stay



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

I'm Wearing An Apron

I want to be the kind of person that bakes cookies for guests and my nieces and nephews.
I want to be the one that gives knowledgeable advice without preaching.
Knowledge about music, art, poetry, the earth, organic food and how to nourish yourself, spirituality, know the words to funny movies, quote philosophers
and have my own words on paper...
I want to be good.
I want to be authentic.
I want to be free.
Freedom.
Freedom.
Freedom from pain, iv's, bad thoughts, insomnia, pain (I said it twice because it's ever present), hospitals...
I want to be me.
I want freedom from whatever has inhabited my body and taken my soul hostage.
Freedom.
I want to bake non-gmo cookies for friends wearing my grandmother's blue flowers apron.


Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Focus Your Audio

Communist
Socialist
Republican
Question
How could you be such an asshole?
Along came a left wing
Free-spirit girl
She twirled in circles
To her favorite songs
Lost family in Vietnam
And others over seas
Meditation
And Crohn's disease
What's the bottom line?
As long as you're fine
I bet you'll still complain.
Voice over
Hands waving
Proclaiming all that you "know"
She doesn't see it your way
She's got her own point-of-view
Pain in the eyes
Life that's been lived in
Path to the shore
Ocean's strong
Currants shape and whip
Tiny moments
Make love slip
Into where it fits
Thus is life.
Flower in her hair
Heart on her sleeve
Poet, beatnik, Rock N Roll chick
You can't change or contain her
That's why you'll never forget
Live with no regrets
Sheet music
Optimism
Shooting stars
Metaphors
All hope
Growth
Hey Mister,
How could you be such an asshole?




Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

A Real Love Letter

There are so many things to say, yet I feel words can never be enough to describe how I feel.  Which is quite the conundrum for a girl who fashions herself a writer.  I can only say that I hope to show you how much you mean to me by living like you live and like you taught me, by example...
--To not simply exist in the world, a passer-bye, but to make a difference
~That every person matters and so does their story~ No act of kindness too small~ No misstep too great that it must define you~ That strength is found within, along with beauty~ That neither time nor circumstance determines who you are or who you will become~ Only you, and you alone can define yourself...

And that LOVE is the most powerful thing of all.
LOVE conquers all and is the true essence of everything.

Basically, YOU are the most amazing being I know...
A true Goddess, an earth angel
I have been truly blessed not just to call you Mother, but Friend.
I believe--I KNOW-- that our LOVE and our connection has spanned many lifetimes,
many realms and is a true gift from God.
It is the most honest and pure LOVE that there is... Mother and child...
Your constant ability to LOVE unconditionally is my inspiration.
I only hope that I live and LOVE right and enough to make you proud...

Thank you for being you and for all that you've done and continue to do.
                                                  I LOVE YOU,
                                                              Van



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Don't Bother

Don't bother
I already know
The way to the end
Of the fork in this road
"The road less traveled"
Doesn't mean what you think
It's just another term
For this one way street

I said don't bother
You're so predictable
I know what you'll say
Before you even say it
You'll try to match me in smarts
A battle of wit
A conundrum of time
A mosaic that doesn't fit

Don't bother
I've been here for too long
The pause and rewind
Playing
Of my most hated song
I know all the words
And the beats to the drum break
Lessons learned
Sometimes hard to take

I said don't bother
Without giving it much thought
I wouldn't mind
If you queried
About the battle being fought
And the time,
The time is said
To "draw out like a blade"
Slow and bloody
Like the difference being made

Don't bother
Well, maybe you should
I do and I am
Could if you would



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

TALL TREES

The air is so thick
I need it to stay alive
So I keep breathing
But every inhale
Takes with it
A sliver of my whole,
Being.

I try to accept
With every moment
That I have left
I try to accept
That foot-heels are all I hear.
Those who pledge love
Do so with baited breath
In essence
Polluting the already
Strangling air.

Disconnected
Yet by cutting ties
I somehow find myself.

We crave what will
Make us suffer.
By nature it seems
We challenge ourselves.

From this moment
I challenge myself
To cut ties
And crave
What will make
Me grow.

Like a tall tree...
Saw off the dead branches
That consume
All nourishment
And thrive,
Toward the sun.



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

The Wind

The wind blows
My emotion to the Gods
My rationality to the wind
The wind, the wind

Did I do this to myself?
I wonder
I ponder your intentions
Do you even care?
You care.
I do.

I wonder
What could be?
What will be?
Things look grim.
Direction.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you!

The wind blows
Takes with it my thoughts
With each gust
I think something new,
Something you.

Do you?

Naturally Drawn...
Remember...

How pure
The years have collected dust
The distance is too much
And the ambiguity...
It all just seems like too much!

Soft lips
Like satin to my soul
Like food for my being
I miss you!

Dreams sketch beautiful moments
In my mind.
The wind
The wind...

With each snap of the palms
I realize I've dwelled too long
In delusion.
You will never love me like I long.

The wind
The wind...



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Naturally Drawn

Some things just come natural
Some signs are missed
Only because we refuse to see them.
It's been awhile since I've cried
Cause those tears in my eyes
Didn't make anything better.
I think of you at night
Only because you've shed some light
In the dark room
Where we were standing.
And my dreams have moved on from you
Back to a blurry face
In a distant place
That I have yet to see.
Nothing makes sense
Just a blur
And I sat in the dirt
Just to get myself together.
I called it "Dyin"
But I'm still alive
I made it through the pain
And instead of feeling confused
I felt relieved
Winning doesn't matter anymore
I walked out the door
And the only reason  you might have cared
Could have been a moment shared...
If you were worth it.

But all your claims
Of different frames
Of mind
I've heard before
You're warnings are weak
You're just tryin to make me think...

Because all you say makes sense in my head
I got lost in your kiss
And the bend of your body.
I should have known
That your passion
Was too real to be for real
I just wanted to feel...   Something.

Something more than toxic oblivion
And I can't make it seem
That I don't know what you mean
The way you pick my brain
Could explain
How I've found myself in this situation.

And I guess I
Shouldn't say you're like the rest
Cause you're like no one I've ever met
And those words may be confusing
But it's the back and forth manner
That made it hard to keep it together
While I was just trying to make this
What it will never be
And what that is, I just don't know
Not sure if I ever will.
Inspire!
That's what you've done
While I was tryin to understand you
You made me understand myself
A closer look
Into the mirror, your eyes...

But, then,
You did it again
You traced my face with your hand
The lips that frame all the passion that you stand for
Swallowed my strong stance
And made me melt
Into the hands in which
You claim are all that you are
And, while that point of view
Means more to you
Than I ever will
I realize that it doesn't matter
Because some things just come natural
It can't be forced
And, it won't be
It's just me
That's naturally drawn,
To you



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Joyful Girl By:Ani Difranco (This is the ONLY one I did NOT write)

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...



Again, I did NOT write "Joyful Girl"  It was written by Ani DiFranco...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/anidifranco/joyfulgirl.html

Dreams

What do you see when you dream
About it?
Eyes blue and filled with tears?
Someone you used to know?
In between what's real
And what's a memory
What's the difference anyway
If it all adds up
To nothing much either way
And who decides?
Keep walking down this one way
Boulevard
Acting like it's easy
But really it's beyond hard
Getting pretty good at acting normal
Like everything's just fine
So tell me again, my oldest friend
What do you see when you dream?
Do you prefer the truth
Or maybe how it seems?



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

In Between Seconds

Helena beat
Dirty feet
Singular seconds
In between
That's where we meet
That's when
I think of you.



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tree of Life

Forward thinking
Binge drinking
Following the fairies
Into the moon dust
The light is faint
Stumble and bumble
Mumbling something
Along the way
Drowning in your reflection
You're so vain
Swinging from trees
Admiring the giant leaves
The flutter in the breeze
All perspectives
On the tree of life
Peddling forward
Deep breaths constant
In with the good
The air on the way out blows
Wishes on the flowers
They grow in cycles
Like us, I suppose
Positivity
New opportunity
To see things clearly
Not as they were
But as they are
And how it is
So tell me...

                     Who wins??



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

All Over The Place

As the sun rose this morning
I awoke and opened my eyes
I thought of change and the differences I've made
In my own life but also the world...

Down.  Down a different path I go
As I stopped so long
At the fork in the road
Held my stomach tightly
As the wind blowed
I never felt so alone.
Years have gone by now
And I've got nothing to show
Just that hand on my belly
And a checklist of  "no's"

So anyway
Get movin' down the road
Slow at first
Disqualified at Go
As I walk alone
I take stock of it all
And realize how much I've got
To change
I don't want to look back
And say
What a waste of space
I want to matter
But matter, as matter
And it's all over the place...

Just like the thoughts in my head
Negative to Positive
Change, change, change
      Change, change, change, change

Learn from these things
Pick up my head
Smile-ing
Like the changing of the leaves
Everything means so much to me
And I've got so much further to go...

Now, now I don't have much to say
Just gotta go ahead and do it all the way
Forget the fork in the road
Going forward the wind still blows...

Inspiration lives in me
The past is history
And now, I decide which way to go
I choose how it's going to be
Gonna make a difference in this world
Just gotta start with me...

I'm not going to look back
And say
What a waste of space
I want to matter
But matter, as matter
And it's all over the place







Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

love letter to a sensitive soul...

To my darling,

     Robin Williams is dead.  He committed suicide.  And I thought, someone that exuded such joy felt so much despair that he did something so drastic, so final, so sad.  And I thought of you and your journey. 

I'm not mad at you.  I've never been mad at you.  I'm angry with the situation, the circumstance. 

See, I studied brain disease.  I have my degree from college in "brain disease" (psychology).  I thought I knew all I needed to know.  Especially because I've had my own struggles with despair and depression... A bit naïve of me, as we must never stop living and learning from every experience life has to offer.

In fact, I diagnosed you properly before the doctors figured it out. 

What I'm trying to say is that just like I have a colon disease, you have a brain disease.  Disease is disease.  And you can't be mad at that!!  I've been trying to sort out my feelings.  It's a struggle between what I know, what I've been taught and what I feel. 

What I know is although you can't change DNA, there is treatment to cope with and manage it.  What I've been taught is that medicine and therapy work if you commit.  And what I feel is that even with the correct medicine and an excellent therapist there will still be bad days.

So with all of this being said, my heart breaks for you. 

I've begged and pleaded for years to get you on the proper medicine and into therapy.  And I think that is what is keeping me silent.  I knew it would come to this!!  And with THAT being said, I also knew that direction could not be shifted until bottom had been reached.  So, all in all I hope that you are there.  And I hope that you commit.  You have an amazing spirit and I would hate to see it crushed by a DNA takeover and improper treatment.  Just like I get shots in my legs every two weeks, you need your medication and therapy.  Disease is disease.

My prayer is that you never feel such despair again and you live a good and happy life! I love you and I want to see you succeed.  You must commit to making your life better!  You can do it!  Seek to make a change.  Life can be, and is amazing! Be well my darling.


Love and Light,
    Van

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Noodle Soup (4/28/09)

The noodles in my soup have turned into tiny drips of blood.
Maybe the last thing you gave to me...

At least the broth is a mixture of you and me.
Just add water
Bring to a boil
And it BURNS!

I love you in a way
I didn't think I was capable of.
I wish I could have proven that to you.
But I dissolved us as you stirred...
Trying to make it perfect.

Now, I will walk in the sand alone.
I wish
I wish
I wish we could
TOGETHER...


Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

All Is Well

All Is Well...

Have faith and  you will find that
All is well.
Believe.
Persevere.
Say aloud "All Is Well"...

All really is well...



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Health Care...lessness

Find a way.  I guess that's how it goes?  You just have to persevere and figure it out.  No one seems to have any answers.  Crohn's has no cure.  Pain is present in every second.  How is it possible that there is no solution to this problem... I thought America was the land where you could get help, where you could succeed if you just pound the pavement and never give up... I guess when you grow up you realize that it's not how they said it was going to be (if you're sick).  The narcissists in public office are more concerned about passing these laws without ironing out the details... SO PEOPLE ARE FALLING THROUGH THE CRACKS IN THEIR FAILURES!!  Now what...????????????



Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Fuck This Hole

I'm stuck in this hole
I've got so much to say
But it won't come out
This hole is dark and I want more
Travel this world
Put this disease behind me
You stand at the top
Of the hole looking down at me
Your head held high
As you seem to know more than us all...
But honestly, you don't know shit
You don't notice the beauty
You hardly ever even notice me
I stand naked before you
And you stare at the TV
There you go again
Looking down at me in the hole
As I scratch the walls
Trying to crawl out
I'd ask you for help
But you seem to think that I put myself there...
So I deserve it
Maybe I do at times
We all slide off the path
From time to time.
But I'm gonna take this experience
And turn it into something spectacular!
Fuck this hole
And fuck you for looking down at me
When I needed you most
Maybe love just isn't enough
Thinking to myself
Where's this gonna go?
Want you to notice me
Before I pass everyone by
Riding on my words
Felt from the heart
And Fuck this hole!


Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thoughts...Not Poetry...We Belong...In the Past

Where have you left me now?
Molding me while I was unaware
Where am I now?
After all these years
Suppressed Memories
Scars feel fresh
Fingers on my neck...

How have you been?
"We belong, we belong, we belong together..."
Ringing in my head
Memories...

Driving your mom's car, you quizzing on the mix tape playing in the tape deck...
Us locked in a bathroom
Me screaming
Your fist to my face...
"We belong, we belong together..." ringing in my head.
All the time I spent defending you
All the time you spent defeating me and calling it love...Was it?
In some twisted way, did you really love me?
In some twisted way I believe you did.

I cry for what I lost
I cry for what I gained
Innocence was drowned in a pool of misery
Water running through emotion
"My pain is self chosen"
My heart just might still be broken...

Hands touching while singing along
Eddie Vedder is the soundtrack to those forgotten years
I can't listen to "Black" without getting chills up my spine
"We belong, we belong..."
For the first time today
"I know you'll have a beautiful life.  I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be oh can't it be miiiiine..."
Meant something different to me...

My life is under a different sky...

What have you done to me?
I thought I had let this, you, go many, many years ago...
God knows how many journals are covered in tears that you caused.

"We belong, we belong..."
For some reason it hurts today just the same as that day...

If I had some way of contacting you, would I?
That song always did make me reach out to you.
Fuck!  I couldn't even listen to it for years after...

Today, on this particularly low Tuesday... I let you back in.
I suppose it was bound to happen eventually
things like that don't stay buried forever.

"We belong, we belong together together together"

And you made it so.
So that for the rest of my life----you'll always have a piece of it.




Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.