Every emotion that is possible to feel,
I have felt within the last 24 hours.
It can't be good for my eyes that the blue glow from the silent television is juuuuuust enough light to make out what it is I am trying to write.
I have covered myself with about 9 paper thin hospital blankets. In an attempt to keep the germs from producing more generations of germs in my room, I keep it cold. This strategy also doubles as a defense against the waves of SHEER PANIC.
Sometimes I can't 100% block out what is actually happening.
I am literally being sliced into pieces before the sunsets.
This isn't some cheesy metaphor either.
Although I might attempt to make some kind of metaphor out of all of this just to try to get through it...
To say that I am terrified, is a total pussy way of describing what is racing through my mind.
Whatever is scarier than terror, well, that's how I feel.
I keep getting flashbacks of the recovery room. Although I have NEVER recovered from that fucking room.
I just know that I have to do it. I just wish I wasn't so aware of EVERY, FUCKING, THING. Not to mention the little voice in the back of my head that is saying "What if you don't wake up?" I mean shuut up already! I have so many things that I want to do! So many things that I must do.
I HAVE TO KEEP ON LIVING!
I mean L. I. V. I. N. Liviiiien.
I say aloud...
"I will wake up. I will live. And I will be better than ever. Alright, let's get started. I'm ready."
Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.
Powerful, terrifying, prose. I can only hope that you in fact, wake up. Recovered or recovering, what is the difference? Just come back to the living, well or not, just come back to the living, to be loved and cherished as you are and will always be, come back to the living because the alternative is neither peaceful or useful, come back to the living to fight another day and feel the sun on your shining skin. Love is all around you, embrace it as a light in your darkest hour..... love you, J
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading. I did come back. Not coming back was never an option. The night before a second major surgery I was terrified and using the gift of expression to get through it. The sun shines on me still and I appreciate your positive vibes. Although I am not sure who "J" is...I still want to say thank you and send love back to you!
DeleteEven those you have never known pray for your recovery !! Keep us posted ! We're with you!
ReplyDeleteZ
Thank You so much for your prayers. I can always use more of those. I will pray for you as well "Z"
DeleteMuch Love!