All work Copyright Van Schaeffer©
Ashley Van Schaeffer©

For more info please click on the complete profile below. Thanks for stopping...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.©

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Fuck This Hole

I'm stuck in this hole
I've got so much to say
But it won't come out
This hole is dark and I want more
Travel this world
Put this disease behind me
You stand at the top
Of the hole looking down at me
Your head held high
As you seem to know more than us all...
But honestly, you don't know shit
You don't notice the beauty
You hardly ever even notice me
I stand naked before you
And you stare at the TV
There you go again
Looking down at me in the hole
As I scratch the walls
Trying to crawl out
I'd ask you for help
But you seem to think that I put myself there...
So I deserve it
Maybe I do at times
We all slide off the path
From time to time.
But I'm gonna take this experience
And turn it into something spectacular!
Fuck this hole
And fuck you for looking down at me
When I needed you most
Maybe love just isn't enough
Thinking to myself
Where's this gonna go?
Want you to notice me
Before I pass everyone by
Riding on my words
Felt from the heart
And Fuck this hole!

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thoughts...Not Poetry...We Belong...In the Past

Where have you left me now?
Molding me while I was unaware
Where am I now?
After all these years
Suppressed Memories
Scars feel fresh
Fingers on my neck...

How have you been?
"We belong, we belong, we belong together..."
Ringing in my head

Driving your mom's car, you quizzing on the mix tape playing in the tape deck...
Us locked in a bathroom
Me screaming
Your fist to my face...
"We belong, we belong together..." ringing in my head.
All the time I spent defending you
All the time you spent defeating me and calling it love...Was it?
In some twisted way, did you really love me?
In some twisted way I believe you did.

I cry for what I lost
I cry for what I gained
Innocence was drowned in a pool of misery
Water running through emotion
"My pain is self chosen"
My heart just might still be broken...

Hands touching while singing along
Eddie Vedder is the soundtrack to those forgotten years
I can't listen to "Black" without getting chills up my spine
"We belong, we belong..."
For the first time today
"I know you'll have a beautiful life.  I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be oh can't it be miiiiine..."
Meant something different to me...

My life is under a different sky...

What have you done to me?
I thought I had let this, you, go many, many years ago...
God knows how many journals are covered in tears that you caused.

"We belong, we belong..."
For some reason it hurts today just the same as that day...

If I had some way of contacting you, would I?
That song always did make me reach out to you.
Fuck!  I couldn't even listen to it for years after...

Today, on this particularly low Tuesday... I let you back in.
I suppose it was bound to happen eventually
things like that don't stay buried forever.

"We belong, we belong together together together"

And you made it so.
So that for the rest of my life----you'll always have a piece of it.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

take a chance

want to be
flying free
no direction
some connection
dancing affection
travel the distance
make the commitment
fingers touching
wind howling
trees dance
leaves tell stories
of romance
falling forward
take a chance

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


match by match
and the clanking of martinis
friends have closed eyes
we all mean well

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

more of us

I wait for you
although you're already here
my nature makes me uncomfortable
causing constant changes...

you know
we always
make shit
And that's why I love you...
more of us
is always better

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Friday, July 5, 2013


Run. Run. Run I say
Away, NO, toward
Something special
Like the love we share
Deep and beautiful
Not surface like the ones before you.
You've changed my life
With your laughter and
Your beautiful smile
Oh, my darling
I feel such joy when I think
of the life we are creating.
From the start years ago
To the present home we share
To all the possibilities of the future.
I can't wait to float in the sea
Under the sun
And drink up all the salty air
Holding hands
And blending hearts
Deepening our soul-connection
You are beautiful
I admire the way you challenge me
I adore your demeanor
You make me feel warm inside and
Secure in who I am
You are my joy, my love, my friend
My partner in life.
I'm so excited!

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Sunday, June 16, 2013


Travel in the eyes of the beholder
Could be nothing less than an experience
Let the depth of sight
Penetrate your soul
In a way that a lover would.
Miss me not
For I am always with you
The bond of a sister
Is the power of God
Cause I could move mountains
And slice the sea
With this love that we share.
The Universe agrees
That we were meant to be
And our souls acceded
To share in suffering and growth.
No amount of distance
Could derail our path
My heart is my mind
Is our blood.
Thicker than brick
And stronger than a million men.
Time is non-existent
Because infinity is ours.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

movin on

looking for myself in the past
to figure where i went off the path
let the disease take me
time to take me back
time to change
find my new path
enough of
dark shade
bed sheets
and medication
i'm movin on

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.