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Ashley Van Schaeffer©

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Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.©

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Wind

The wind blows
My emotion to the Gods
My rationality to the wind
The wind, the wind

Did I do this to myself?
I wonder
I ponder your intentions
Do you even care?
You care.
I do.

I wonder
What could be?
What will be?
Things look grim.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you!

The wind blows
Takes with it my thoughts
With each gust
I think something new,
Something you.

Do you?

Naturally Drawn...

How pure
The years have collected dust
The distance is too much
And the ambiguity...
It all just seems like too much!

Soft lips
Like satin to my soul
Like food for my being
I miss you!

Dreams sketch beautiful moments
In my mind.
The wind
The wind...

With each snap of the palms
I realize I've dwelled too long
In delusion.
You will never love me like I long.

The wind
The wind...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Naturally Drawn

Some things just come natural
Some signs are missed
Only because we refuse to see them.
It's been awhile since I've cried
Cause those tears in my eyes
Didn't make anything better.
I think of you at night
Only because you've shed some light
In the dark room
Where we were standing.
And my dreams have moved on from you
Back to a blurry face
In a distant place
That I have yet to see.
Nothing makes sense
Just a blur
And I sat in the dirt
Just to get myself together.
I called it "Dyin"
But I'm still alive
I made it through the pain
And instead of feeling confused
I felt relieved
Winning doesn't matter anymore
I walked out the door
And the only reason  you might have cared
Could have been a moment shared...
If you were worth it.

But all your claims
Of different frames
Of mind
I've heard before
You're warnings are weak
You're just tryin to make me think...

Because all you say makes sense in my head
I got lost in your kiss
And the bend of your body.
I should have known
That your passion
Was too real to be for real
I just wanted to feel...   Something.

Something more than toxic oblivion
And I can't make it seem
That I don't know what you mean
The way you pick my brain
Could explain
How I've found myself in this situation.

And I guess I
Shouldn't say you're like the rest
Cause you're like no one I've ever met
And those words may be confusing
But it's the back and forth manner
That made it hard to keep it together
While I was just trying to make this
What it will never be
And what that is, I just don't know
Not sure if I ever will.
That's what you've done
While I was tryin to understand you
You made me understand myself
A closer look
Into the mirror, your eyes...

But, then,
You did it again
You traced my face with your hand
The lips that frame all the passion that you stand for
Swallowed my strong stance
And made me melt
Into the hands in which
You claim are all that you are
And, while that point of view
Means more to you
Than I ever will
I realize that it doesn't matter
Because some things just come natural
It can't be forced
And, it won't be
It's just me
That's naturally drawn,
To you

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Joyful Girl By:Ani Difranco (This is the ONLY one I did NOT write)

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Again, I did NOT write "Joyful Girl"  It was written by Ani DiFranco...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.


What do you see when you dream
About it?
Eyes blue and filled with tears?
Someone you used to know?
In between what's real
And what's a memory
What's the difference anyway
If it all adds up
To nothing much either way
And who decides?
Keep walking down this one way
Acting like it's easy
But really it's beyond hard
Getting pretty good at acting normal
Like everything's just fine
So tell me again, my oldest friend
What do you see when you dream?
Do you prefer the truth
Or maybe how it seems?

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

In Between Seconds

Helena beat
Dirty feet
Singular seconds
In between
That's where we meet
That's when
I think of you.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Tree of Life

Forward thinking
Binge drinking
Following the fairies
Into the moon dust
The light is faint
Stumble and bumble
Mumbling something
Along the way
Drowning in your reflection
You're so vain
Swinging from trees
Admiring the giant leaves
The flutter in the breeze
All perspectives
On the tree of life
Peddling forward
Deep breaths constant
In with the good
The air on the way out blows
Wishes on the flowers
They grow in cycles
Like us, I suppose
New opportunity
To see things clearly
Not as they were
But as they are
And how it is
So tell me...

                     Who wins??

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

All Over The Place

As the sun rose this morning
I awoke and opened my eyes
I thought of change and the differences I've made
In my own life but also the world...

Down.  Down a different path I go
As I stopped so long
At the fork in the road
Held my stomach tightly
As the wind blowed
I never felt so alone.
Years have gone by now
And I've got nothing to show
Just that hand on my belly
And a checklist of  "no's"

So anyway
Get movin' down the road
Slow at first
Disqualified at Go
As I walk alone
I take stock of it all
And realize how much I've got
To change
I don't want to look back
And say
What a waste of space
I want to matter
But matter, as matter
And it's all over the place...

Just like the thoughts in my head
Negative to Positive
Change, change, change
      Change, change, change, change

Learn from these things
Pick up my head
Like the changing of the leaves
Everything means so much to me
And I've got so much further to go...

Now, now I don't have much to say
Just gotta go ahead and do it all the way
Forget the fork in the road
Going forward the wind still blows...

Inspiration lives in me
The past is history
And now, I decide which way to go
I choose how it's going to be
Gonna make a difference in this world
Just gotta start with me...

I'm not going to look back
And say
What a waste of space
I want to matter
But matter, as matter
And it's all over the place

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

love letter to a sensitive soul...

To my darling,

     Robin Williams is dead.  He committed suicide.  And I thought, someone that exuded such joy felt so much despair that he did something so drastic, so final, so sad.  And I thought of you and your journey. 

I'm not mad at you.  I've never been mad at you.  I'm angry with the situation, the circumstance. 

See, I studied brain disease.  I have my degree from college in "brain disease" (psychology).  I thought I knew all I needed to know.  Especially because I've had my own struggles with despair and depression... A bit na├»ve of me, as we must never stop living and learning from every experience life has to offer.

In fact, I diagnosed you properly before the doctors figured it out. 

What I'm trying to say is that just like I have a colon disease, you have a brain disease.  Disease is disease.  And you can't be mad at that!!  I've been trying to sort out my feelings.  It's a struggle between what I know, what I've been taught and what I feel. 

What I know is although you can't change DNA, there is treatment to cope with and manage it.  What I've been taught is that medicine and therapy work if you commit.  And what I feel is that even with the correct medicine and an excellent therapist there will still be bad days.

So with all of this being said, my heart breaks for you. 

I've begged and pleaded for years to get you on the proper medicine and into therapy.  And I think that is what is keeping me silent.  I knew it would come to this!!  And with THAT being said, I also knew that direction could not be shifted until bottom had been reached.  So, all in all I hope that you are there.  And I hope that you commit.  You have an amazing spirit and I would hate to see it crushed by a DNA takeover and improper treatment.  Just like I get shots in my legs every two weeks, you need your medication and therapy.  Disease is disease.

My prayer is that you never feel such despair again and you live a good and happy life! I love you and I want to see you succeed.  You must commit to making your life better!  You can do it!  Seek to make a change.  Life can be, and is amazing! Be well my darling.

Love and Light,

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Noodle Soup (4/28/09)

The noodles in my soup have turned into tiny drips of blood.
Maybe the last thing you gave to me...

At least the broth is a mixture of you and me.
Just add water
Bring to a boil
And it BURNS!

I love you in a way
I didn't think I was capable of.
I wish I could have proven that to you.
But I dissolved us as you stirred...
Trying to make it perfect.

Now, I will walk in the sand alone.
I wish
I wish
I wish we could

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

All Is Well

All Is Well...

Have faith and  you will find that
All is well.
Say aloud "All Is Well"...

All really is well...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Health Care...lessness

Find a way.  I guess that's how it goes?  You just have to persevere and figure it out.  No one seems to have any answers.  Crohn's has no cure.  Pain is present in every second.  How is it possible that there is no solution to this problem... I thought America was the land where you could get help, where you could succeed if you just pound the pavement and never give up... I guess when you grow up you realize that it's not how they said it was going to be (if you're sick).  The narcissists in public office are more concerned about passing these laws without ironing out the details... SO PEOPLE ARE FALLING THROUGH THE CRACKS IN THEIR FAILURES!!  Now what...????????????

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.