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Ashley Van Schaeffer©

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Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.©

Friday, December 9, 2011

Wake Into The Unknown

The bad.
The Soul
The Self
The Selflessness
I feel
Walk into the distant horizon
Wake into the unknown
Into the depth of my emotion
As I melt into this moment
A silent breath of home.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Hospital Thoughts...

Every emotion that is possible to feel,
I have felt within the last 24 hours.
It can't be good for my eyes that the blue glow from the silent television is juuuuuust enough light to make out what it is I am trying to write.
I have covered myself with about 9 paper thin hospital blankets. In an attempt to keep the germs from producing more generations of germs in my room, I keep it cold. This strategy also doubles as a defense against the waves of SHEER PANIC.
Sometimes I can't 100% block out what is actually happening.
I am literally being sliced into pieces before the sunsets.
This isn't some cheesy metaphor either.
Although I might attempt to make some kind of metaphor out of all of this just to try to get through it...

To say that I am terrified, is a total pussy way of describing what is racing through my mind.
Whatever is scarier than terror, well, that's how I feel.
I keep getting flashbacks of the recovery room. Although I have NEVER recovered from that fucking room.
I just know that I have to do it. I just wish I wasn't so aware of EVERY, FUCKING, THING. Not to mention the little voice in the back of my head that is saying "What if you don't wake up?" I mean shuut up already! I have so many things that I want to do! So many things that I must do.
I mean L. I. V. I. N. Liviiiien.

I say aloud...

"I will wake up. I will live. And I will be better than ever. Alright, let's get started. I'm ready."

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Blue T-shirt

I had a favorite blue shirt once.
I liked it so much I wore it an entire summer.
I'd wash it,
Wear it
Wear it
Wash it
It made me feel a certain way
Comfortable I guess

I think we can out grow people.
When you meet someone
And you recognize
yourself in their eyes
Connecting on another plane.
You let out your breath
Like, you can finally relax,
They get it.

We all grow as people
Trauma, trials, tribulations
Laughter that changes you at the core.
As we evolve
Some turn
To the ticking of the right hand
While others,
Others go counterclockwise.
Either way
We loose sight of who we were
We step into new footprints
With heavier or lighter feet,
In opposite directions,
We're different.

I no longer see myself in you.
I see an insecure, abusive
Fragmented red flash...

I carry with me the
Weight of several people
But I try to keep my steps light.

I'm walking away
I'm moving toward a brighter place.
Maybe alone,
But definitely with good intention.

I say goodbye to you
Old friend
With no ill will
I just can't keep wearing
The same old shirt.
I thought maybe it would
Turn out differently
But, it's OK.
Moving forward allows for
Unknown adventures
More core changing laughter
and new peeps
Along the off-beat path.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tree Poetry

Wake in the morning to a soft hand in my hair
We exchange smiles
And speak through tiny bits of laughter.
The ceiling fans moan soothes me
While I gaze out the window.
As you melt the buttons off my paisley shirt
Your passion speaks more phrases and clauses
Then we've ever actually spoken...

I make my way downstairs
And out the door for a smoke.
It smells of patchouli and camp fire
With hints of lilac sprinkled like pixie dust
In the area that closes off my heart.
I listen to the frogs chat.
They're sounding off jokes
And better poetry than I've ever written
It seems they know something that I may never grasp.
The trees become my friends
I listen to their conversation
I feel as though they're trying to tell me something
Suddenly I become flushed and extremely self-aware
"I've got to get out of here!"
Is the only thing that pounds off my skull
Like someone knocking at a locked door
I turn swiftly, yet cautiously
My eyes bounce to every angle I can see
Forming a geometrical shape I can't quite identify.
Although I've never known much about math,
I know you are the center of that geometrical gaze
And math, makes me nervous!
The door slides open
And you're standing in the kitchen
Like a giddy child with a brand new toy
I say "I'm gonna go."
You sigh.
I fiend for what will never be said by anyone,
But the trees.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

This Ain't No Love Poem

I wonder what happens
When the desperate goes un-noticed?
When all action,
Has catastrophic re-action
A tsunami devastates the soul
Drowning out the voice of reason
And muffling
All cries for help


This is a letter to the heavens!

I am no longer the angsty teen
I am a woman now
Like a flailing fish
Gasping for air
Begging to be thrown
Back into the tranquil water
To which I belong!

I am a broken record that's being played in reverse.

There are no Band-Aid's for this wound!


Where emotions blend to the piercing sound of breaking ice...
Only on deaf ears.

Answers seem clear
But no one can see through this blinding love.

The back and forth has become the steps to the last dance
In purgatory.

It's dark here.
SO dark.

The blackness consumes like an unwanted hug
Fingertips aren't enough to hold on
Deep breaths become final gasps.

This ain't no fucking love poem!!

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Monday, April 18, 2011


Suddenly I felt the need to
Write feverishly
Like all the things that
Had been swimming menacingly
Inside me gathered at once
to the surface.
When I see pictures of people
During their travels
I feel pulled magnetically, like
Somewhere in my subconscious
We've met on another
Cosmic level.
I want to ride my bike
Across this country
Stopping in all the little
Nooks and crannies of
Mountain sides
Dance naked in waterfalls
And sell bananas on street corners
Make love in the plains and valleys
And get dirty in the Midwest dust.
Earth in all the pores
of my body.
Climb the redwoods and feel
Small to their magnificence!
Shower myself
In the downpour of raindrops
With my head back
Smiling to the heavens
For blessing me
With my Life!
For I am aware of my
I must began at once!!

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Sunny Outside

Darkness, I guess.
When will this end?
The argueing.
The feeling sorry.
The feeling sad.
The wondering.
I'm tired.
Simply, tired.
I'm sick
and bored
And quite honestly, alone.

Write, write, write
They all say
As if this will heal me.
But the dark and twisty
Road that I've been traveling
One heavy foot in front of the other
Has left me dirty
And feeling hopeless.
Sometimes I wonder
If this is all in my head?
And that alone is crazy.
No one understands
This is NOT who I am
Yet, this IS who I am.
Will this define me?
Will I ever be the same?
Well, I guess that
Is a stupid question.
Because I could never be.
Having lived like this
For so long.

Remind me why I am alive
Remind me
Oh, pretty, pretty please...

I feel like I haven't
Got much to say
Or, do I just feel that way?
Questions fill my head
And with only myself to talk to.

What am I doing wrong?
I mean really
This could be a "why me" song
Of sorrow, loss and a general
Grey and cloudy disposition.
But, the sun is always shining outside
And it makes me want to go and play
But here I am
In bed.
In pain.
In tears.
Wondering myself away...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

the day

Like the changing of the seasons
it's the ebb and flow
Even in the darkness of winter
Beauty continues to grow.
When faced with dying
The mind delves into places once unknown.
What do you do?
180 degree rotation
Re-Welcome Life into your soul
Open the eye that lives In the center
The be-all, see-all
Who will you become?
Reignite the passion that once fueled your being
Let it push you toward the moon
So at least you'll end up
amongst The stars

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

You Decide

Fall into a hole
Darkness consumes in a
Smoke-like manner
Molesting the mind
and stealing the light
Fumble and Mumble
It all feels familiar
Breath becomes fast
The walls all have texture
Maybe containing a map
Take the groove that
Moves your soul
And follow it
To the Light

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Names For Parties

Sitting and thinking about direction
present moment
Strength boils
And causes rise to steam
Direction East
Toward the beach
Frolicking in the tide
The sunshine came
out of the mouth of my love
Slightly burning the eyes
Feeling warm inside
Brain starts to think in fragments
Zipping through my head
Who he
Who you be
And names for parties in
Future dreams
Where the water's purple
And the sand is blue
Where the fish have huge eyes
And start intelligent conversations...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

untitled 2

Wake from a fake sleep
Thoughts provoke tossing and turning
Promoting more thinking
Excitement comes in waves
Sobering reality
Leaving stress lines near my eyes
Sleep is necessary
Question my reality
My sanity
Not-so-solid ground
I put passion back in my kiss
My steps in circles
Scents of familiar
Trail the unknown
A trek to the past
Through the present
Leading to a better future.

I strive through darkness
I conquer my goals.
Fear whispers sweet nothings
In my ear
Like the devil on my shoulder
I give it the finger
Silently in my mind
Not sure of what will be
But, certainty of the alternative
Pushes me in ways I've never known.

Small sigh
Out with it all
I'm jumping into the abyss

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Same Same

I want to draw good things close!
I pray for humility
And the ability
To make this right.
My side of the Gemini scale is always heavy
My way is always wrong
Your eyes don't see me at all

Walking in circles
My soul's wearin holes
Yet I still haven't made a difference
And all I have is always too much
Or never enough,
For you.
Just days and days
Of the same old plays
The villain and the martyr

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

all the little pieces

I watch you meander
around yourself
and it saddens me.
Seems you still can't quite figure out
your own face.
You blow about
like on a breeze
Sometimes you reach out your hand for help
Other times you blame the wind
for immobilizing your limbs.
I wonder what it's like,
inside that head of yours?
I wonder if you can keep the pace
with yourself?
And the lies...
Are they lies to you?
Or are they little truths?
Stories of how you remember, or,
How you want to remember
Somehow giving validity to your voice
and the weight of your shrinking body.
Was it always this way?
Or have the vines grown over the house of your being
Swallowing alllllll the little pieces
Making it impossible to form a whole...?

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

dAnCing HaPpiNesS

Bohemian scarves
Big flowy hats
and wine stained lips
Surround my happy space
Full of Love and naked ideas
Scattered open-ended thoughts
and one liner conversations
that rock your core
Soul-shakin' tunes
and Poems on paper towels.
Sunlight beams through the thick wooden blinds
and disturbs the dust,
It looks like dancing happiness.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.