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Ashley Van Schaeffer©

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Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.©

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

love garden

watched a plane fly by behind the clouds
they rolled in, in different shapes and sizes
traveled down this love street
stumbled through all the clutter
bare feet
I like to feel the Earth
climbing trees made out of boxes
and iridescent leaves
lye on the branches and take a nap
dreamt of white rapids
that turned into warm streams
made a bamboo raft
and floated to the sound of drums in the distance
no particular destination
just somewhere where love is true
and peaceful eyes look beyond the clutter
into what's real.
A solid hand
and a groovy man
greet me.
We meander with easy smiles
breezy breath
silky skin.
It smells fresh, like morning dew
We dance in the moon lit forest
and make a garden
out of love...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I am Love.
I am strength
I am in charge
while things fall into place
I am Free
So Free
Everyday I notice something

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Friday, November 12, 2010

i got it

my new post
something good to say
what you got to say?
does it even matter anyway?
i guess it does
i guess it could
guess it should...

two pages
two souls tryin to share it all'
not enough room some days...

you sleep to sweet dreams
while i rack my brain for the
next big thing

sleep my sweet
sleep my sweet sleep my sweet

i got it

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


when it comes
it never plays out like you planned
seems like a blow to who you are
seems like maybe you could have done it differently.
have faith my friend
behind that darkening light
is opportunity
A new path
one that would have been missed
had things stayed the same.
Recognize change
as the way things are supposed to be.
You are because I am.
I am because I live with open eyes.
I live with an open heart
and I welcome the darkness
because I know without it
there could be no light.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Dreamt I swam through murky
water and made friends
with a wide-mouthed fish
He had a brilliant smile
Made my eyes twinkle.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

new phase

i guess sometimes it's easy to lose faith
my face
looks unfamiliar
eyes crossed and possibly
changing colors
try to
my center.
down below
all this freakin mess
sick of all this rest
wanna run around
and break a sweat
see how to get
from here to there
without all the meds
call the feds
the crohny needs arrested

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Monday, October 4, 2010

move it

this is
ferris wheel...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Random Meaningful Words Meaningless, I Think Not...

Future Food
Maybe You
Sometimes Too
After You
One Other
Not The Same
Question Me
Explore Me
I Implore Thee
Love, Love, Love
La, La, La
Pureness Of Self

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Crohn's Sucks

Grasp the sides of my sink
Close my eyes,
And with the breath of my being
Comes the tears.
As they fall down the drain
I lean in and
Loom at the watery
baby blues...

When will this end???
I simply, have had enough.
I say aloud "I'm fine."
Trying to convince myself that
tomorrow the medicine will work
Tomorrow, I'll be all better, not bitter
And laugh with a full smile
Without fear and the
Secret sadness I carry in my heart.
Tomorrow I won't feel any pain
And forget for just a second
that I should be feeling better by now.
Tomorrow, I will feel like myself again.

Another deep breath and
I can literally taste the hope
filling my lungs.
It's going to be OK.
It has to...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Retrospective Desire

Felt the breeze blow
Turned my head to look back
I swear I saw you, I swear.

You were giving me that deep stare
Eyes almost golden
and scented with Jameson.
For just a moment,
I felt that connection
we used to share.
Deep like the red painted walls
Cracked like the molding
Beautiful imperfection...
Taunting you from across the room
The draw, the passion
The burning desire
Between thighs and dark colored sheets.
Raw and unrequited
Beautiful estrangement.
Keep walking forward...

It wasn't you.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


I keep getting a picture in my
mind of a rug being rattled
and dust floating magically
into the air.
Slow motion...
Almost dream-like.

Inside that dust, stories, laughter and secrets lye.

Without knowing it, I guess
I've been investigating...

When the memory fails you...

Sometimes you can hear a
child crying in the basement.
Or maybe, It's just the dust
telling stories of all the
backsides blackened
and blue eyes reddened?

This dust is funny, I swear it.
It blows about all through the house now.
It's giving sickness to younger generations.


Allergies, a reaction to the environment.
The pain in the dust is spreading...

It makes some remember
others forced to forget.
A more cynical person might say
You get what you deserve.
But who decides?
It doesn't land evenly or equally.
After all, nothing about it said fair.
It's dirty and can blind the eyes
Muffle the senses
and put a blanket on the soul.
It clogs and restricts the heart.

When the memory fails you...

There are secrets roaming
and floating around this house.
Not everyone wants to know,
and some,
have no choice to forget...

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Blue Light

The sun shines on my spirit.
I am guided.
Reminded to have faith
I have found freedom
You remind me of the good.
I see it in your eyes
The way you look at me,
it's better than before
It's better than ever.

The beach at twilight
The blue glow of the sky
Reflecting off the slow moving waves
I found love.
As we experience our lives together
The sun shines on my spirit.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Monday, August 9, 2010

no title

I create
that's what I do
I divulge onto paper
rehash the rage
I create
must remember
I can create
that's what makes me tick
turns my clock
Kinda wish this would stop
then I remember,
I create
my space
look around
and draw it in
I create
self made.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Souls Connect

souls connect.
watch like I am a child again
became a mother again
reminded of why I must continue
on my own journey.
never stop searching, wandering.
my belief in my self must get
stronger, deeper.
remember I can...

Find peace
let the tranquility
run through my veins
and ignite my passion
let it sing from within
guide me.
Flow like the ocean
that now surrounds me
gather my strength from above
learn from my love that has moved on...remember him.
let the love penetrate
souls connect.
like electricity in my fingertips
compels me to move this pen
allows me to be who I am
searcher with a smile
partner with a deeper understanding
my inner voice is loud
my fear is eliminated by desire
curiosity reigns
souls connect

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


When he came down to visit
we went to breakfast on the water.
He placed his silverware in perfect
proportion with the table's edge.
Coffee, a few creamers
He always told me stories of his childhood...
He was devious
Always in trouble
A ladies man
An artist
Cigarettes, just like in the old days
The smoke would loom and groove
adding to his demeanour, smooth, hip, slick

He had a deep laugh.
Most of the things I would say made him giggle.
The times had changed so much between our youths.
In his time the women wore white gloves and red lipstick
to the market.
I admired him.
He intrigued me with his lifetimes lived...
Almost 93
Loved for eternity
My Grampy.

I miss you.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Once Upon A Time

glossy lips
wild hair
and a cool breeze smelling of
coconut and mojitos.
you're so groovy boy!
let's dance on the sand bar
till the tide rolls us in...

i created my "once upon a time"
storybook life
so i could live it!

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Audience of Stars

i'm ready for you.
i've imagined our rendezvous
in front of an audience of stars
after the sun fades behind the trees
i close my eyes...

the red wine
devourers and turns sweetness
into purple desire
dripping candles
wax on my floor
pulled hair
in gasps of the long
awaited anticipation
sparking golden flames of fire
i can smell your skin
and taste your spit
from the top of my being
to the end of my legs
and beyond
anything i've ever felt before...

the stars align
and make a lighted path back to you.
are you ready?

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

water sign

I excel in the night
Creature of desire
Clawing my way past
What some would say is "right."
In the darkness
The boundaries seem to fade
Space is not something of limit
Stars light the way
Words flow like water
And passion sings
In the unpredictable current
Ambiguous but smooth
Like skin
And in tune
With powers greater than I

Mystical eyes illuminate
And penetrate
Sullen days

Secrets sail round the moon.
It's easy to have nothing to hide
When it's hard to see.
But the beauty lies
Beyond the senses of the eyes
The stunning reality
Of it all
Lies poetically inside

Embracing the night
Liberates my soul right
To dance around
On the moon
Or whatever I choose
To see without eyes
To feel something inside
That's more stellar
Than I can conceive
The beauty that is me
Is easily shown
In the darkness
I find my way home

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Friday, May 7, 2010

give a little

i know i shouldn't be crying.
but somehow these tears
comfort me
in this time
when nothing is certain
and all I want
keeps eluding me.
each gust of the spring wind
reminds me of time.
it's passing quickly
yet things around me still seem
i hate these tears
because right now
they're all i have.
i am alone.
maybe i chose this
maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
all the odds stacked
i keep pushing
i want what i want
but things break
if they don't at least
give a little.
maybe i should budge on something
give my eyes a rest...

Yet, I continue to weep
for this moment
for what i cannot create
for what i am about to do
out of fear
and utter delight
a contradiction of the
soul and body
mind in the middle
these tears melt my face
trying to wash away
the confusion
and get down to what's real,
what matters
i want what i want.
what i need
what i need i know i want.
cry myself to sleep.
maybe i'll see the future in my dream.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

i'm after you

Come on
What's it gonna be?
The internal fight
Do I have the will?

As the night progress's
I feel your presence
Pressing firmly on my brain
I hear you moving swiftly
round where I stand
Whispering "I'm after you..."
I must resist.
I mean honestly,
How many times can I give in?

Late nights turn into early mornings
Full of chatter
And different shades of grey
As we sway
On the white line of momentary euphoria.

Meandering around the usual jump off point
I back away...
Told myself I'm through with you..

Come on.
What's it gonna be?
The internal fight.
I will the urge to resist,
I win.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

another sleepless night

Thoughts are strange.
Memories fade in and out with
each touch of something familiar
some good, others, well...

Wondering about wondering
and not getting confused.
That's something new to me.
Just wish pain didn't have to be
the "right of passage."
To inflict it onto another,
or onto oneself
it all would have felt so unfair
to me before.
Now it seems
I've grasped onto
an understanding of sorts.
I realize that pain can open
one's eyes to possibility.
Erosion no longer takes on
a simple negative, but rather
something new.
* An erosion of something negative.
A good thing
the dissolution of,
the dissolving of negativity
can only make room for
more positive.
How Exciting!

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.
You cannot stop it.
I live for the new
This caged animal yearns
For Freedom.
I wonder all the time...
All the time...

I cannot stop this
Not sure if I even want to
I know I've tried.
Let it all unravel
It's bound up way too tight

Let the Freedom overwhelm you
Like the wind through your hair

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Burn Into Me (Fire Style)

Burn into me!
Take my skin and twist it up
Fold it into a square
And place it in your pocket
Carry me through
Your odyssey
Called Life
And I will never complain
Because you left my mouth at home

Just burn right into me.

We'll make a puddle of ashes
Around the fire
And blow across this earth
We'll see things from way up high
In the sky
Just you and I
Above this superficial working machine
And beyond emotions
Limited to human form

Just burn into me.

We'll become one
So I will never lose sight of your face
Because it will be mine
I'll feel your every move
I'll even breathe for you
One heart beat
Except it's two.

Just burn right into me.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

And So It Is

The universe is funny...
Think of you, and so it is.
There you are.
Under a fog of "What the Fuck?!?'
Uncertain smile.

Holy Shit...

You apologize, I'm statuesque.

The more you speak, the calmer I become.
The past invading the present is silly that way.
After all you introduced me to muse.
To a love that, before you, only existed in my mind.
You introduced me to my broken-hearted self.

Holy Shit.

I've grown into a whole new being.
It seems you admire her, now.

I once told you
"You are everything I always wanted..."
Words are powerful when you mean them.

Get what you give.
I took what you put out.
And now you're living with what's left.

The universe is funny.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Monday, March 8, 2010

the tower

the tower leans toward the left.

things fall out the window

and a

garden has grown.

there's a woman who lives there

she never speaks,

only dreams

she even has wings

so if that tower ever






Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.
image:Chiho Aoshima, Japanese Apricot 3. A Pink Dream 2007

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Bohemian Spirit

capture this moment.

for you it is a lifetime.

freedom is the essence

cannot cage the spirit

hang it on a wall like a picture

gone before you know it

cannot cage the

true nature of


Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.
picture by Gustav Klimt

Monday, February 8, 2010

muse, my beautiful muse

Muse, Muse!
Oh how you confuse
Spewing emotion
Some sort of commotion
Renders emptiness in you.
Still... Still.
You are always so still.
Running so fast
In circles
Toward you
You'll never
You'll always
I'll always
be waiting for you.
A tad bit ashamed
I divulged in such ways
The things I dream about you.
I'll push you away
You'll continue to stay
In a locked up place
I'll keep you.
What will be shall be
Yet somehow that annoys me
I always yearn for more!
And sentences
It might as well be on tape
Cause we always reply
The bullshit you say
To keep me hanging on.

I don't understand
Just never understand
All I want is


Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

heart speak

What do you do when you live the alternative?

Just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming.

Well, yes.

But it's become so much more than that for me

When I decided to focus on right now, everything changed.

I go to sort things out

Dig up things I need to make peace with.


Quiet my head.

It's no longer filled with things other people's said

I'm ruling me now.

Guilt free.

I'm actually going for it!

I'm following the heart speak,

And I've never felt better.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

wet mop

It's funny how this wind blows

It's strange how the temperature drop

Drags emotion

Across the floor like a wet mop

Streaks and smears

Tell stories of fears

And grudges held throughout the years

this time

Some time ago
Could have sworn we'd be together by now.
I walk like I'm floating down the road.
This time I let it go
The closest thing to what I imagined him to be
In the flesh
Kiss hit like a fist with a smile.
It's just words
The things I tread on to stay afloat.
Bad time to have found you
Still on my mind
After all this time,
It's time to go.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

As If To Say Goodbye

Shaken up?
HA! More like stirred
Into some unknown dimension
Where silence and obscurity reign
And, with all the thoughts in my head
And all the fears I behold
I lost my composure.
The silence shattered like glass
My eyes like clouds
Began to pour into the earth, your hands
Flowers didn't bloom like I wanted them to
The water didn't quench
It just turned into a river
And the tide carried you away.
While I watched from the only tree in the desolate dimension,
Growing only out of the possibility that I saw...
It swayed in the wind,
As if to say goodbye
As you faded into the distance
Day turned into night
And with the rising sun
Came feelings of hope.
Although I was alone
Near the edge of the river
There was a daisy that had grown

Friday, January 1, 2010

Thankful for Every Moment

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

There is never a better time.

Love and Light in the New Year!