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Ashley Van Schaeffer©

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Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.©

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Fuck This Hole

I'm stuck in this hole
I've got so much to say
But it won't come out
This hole is dark and I want more
Travel this world
Put this disease behind me
You stand at the top
Of the hole looking down at me
Your head held high
As you seem to know more than us all...
But honestly, you don't know shit
You don't notice the beauty
You hardly ever even notice me
I stand naked before you
And you stare at the TV
There you go again
Looking down at me in the hole
As I scratch the walls
Trying to crawl out
I'd ask you for help
But you seem to think that I put myself there...
So I deserve it
Maybe I do at times
We all slide off the path
From time to time.
But I'm gonna take this experience
And turn it into something spectacular!
Fuck this hole
And fuck you for looking down at me
When I needed you most
Maybe love just isn't enough
Thinking to myself
Where's this gonna go?
Want you to notice me
Before I pass everyone by
Riding on my words
Felt from the heart
And Fuck this hole!

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thoughts...Not Poetry...We Belong...In the Past

Where have you left me now?
Molding me while I was unaware
Where am I now?
After all these years
Suppressed Memories
Scars feel fresh
Fingers on my neck...

How have you been?
"We belong, we belong, we belong together..."
Ringing in my head

Driving your mom's car, you quizzing on the mix tape playing in the tape deck...
Us locked in a bathroom
Me screaming
Your fist to my face...
"We belong, we belong together..." ringing in my head.
All the time I spent defending you
All the time you spent defeating me and calling it love...Was it?
In some twisted way, did you really love me?
In some twisted way I believe you did.

I cry for what I lost
I cry for what I gained
Innocence was drowned in a pool of misery
Water running through emotion
"My pain is self chosen"
My heart just might still be broken...

Hands touching while singing along
Eddie Vedder is the soundtrack to those forgotten years
I can't listen to "Black" without getting chills up my spine
"We belong, we belong..."
For the first time today
"I know you'll have a beautiful life.  I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be oh can't it be miiiiine..."
Meant something different to me...

My life is under a different sky...

What have you done to me?
I thought I had let this, you, go many, many years ago...
God knows how many journals are covered in tears that you caused.

"We belong, we belong..."
For some reason it hurts today just the same as that day...

If I had some way of contacting you, would I?
That song always did make me reach out to you.
Fuck!  I couldn't even listen to it for years after...

Today, on this particularly low Tuesday... I let you back in.
I suppose it was bound to happen eventually
things like that don't stay buried forever.

"We belong, we belong together together together"

And you made it so.
So that for the rest of my life----you'll always have a piece of it.

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

take a chance

want to be
flying free
no direction
some connection
dancing affection
travel the distance
make the commitment
fingers touching
wind howling
trees dance
leaves tell stories
of romance
falling forward
take a chance

Experience. Freedom. Love. Now.